This last two months have been the worst in one respect and the best in another.
As you may know, my best friend died recently. I thought I could handle it, but gradually over time I stopped going out, I had anxiety, I didn't wash or shower for days on end, I didn't eat. And before I knew it, I was in full blown depression.
You might find it strange that a 6ft 3 guy crys himself to sleep every night, but if you've ever suffered depression I guarantee that you would choose physical pain over emotional pain any day!
Anyway, through this dark time I kept in touch with 1 person, everyday without fail. I've known her since February maybe early march. I had an immediate connection with this girl, and throughout everything i've been though, she's been there to reassure me that things would get better. I believed her.
I used to think that this online love thing was bullshit, just idiots that couldn't find a girlfriend. I was wrong because I now find myself in this situation. I look forward to hearing from her everyday, even the days where I don't want to talk to anyone.
I always said that I couldn't tell someone I'd never met that I loved them. But overtime I've got to know her so well, and visa versa. I think we have an amazing connection. There is nothing I wouldn't share with her.
She is my world, my night, my day. And yes, I love her.
for L
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Friday, July 15, 2011
Reasons I haven't been tweeting
Some of you may have noticed I havent been tweeting a lot lately. The truth is I'm suffering depression from my best friends death. I can't bring myself to crack jokes when I feel like I do.
Also I deleted my favstar link from my profile. I'm sick of seeing somebody tweet about stars and RTs EVERYsingle tweet. I don't hate favstar, I just think thats the reason people spend 12/15 hours on here a day telling similar joke after joke.
I've considered twittercide, but I am proud of my acheivemenets and what it took to get there, plus I've made some really good mates who I'd like to stay in touch with.
I'm sure after some time I will feel differently and I shall be back tweeting the same shit I have for months, but i'm not gonna be that guy that tweets depressing shit all day. I know twitter is fickle, hell, i've unfollowed people for talking about love and shit, so I know what its like. I guess you get to know who your friends are when something like this happens.
don't worry, i'm sure i'll be back in fine form soon. thanks for standing by, you guys rock!
Also I deleted my favstar link from my profile. I'm sick of seeing somebody tweet about stars and RTs EVERYsingle tweet. I don't hate favstar, I just think thats the reason people spend 12/15 hours on here a day telling similar joke after joke.
I've considered twittercide, but I am proud of my acheivemenets and what it took to get there, plus I've made some really good mates who I'd like to stay in touch with.
I'm sure after some time I will feel differently and I shall be back tweeting the same shit I have for months, but i'm not gonna be that guy that tweets depressing shit all day. I know twitter is fickle, hell, i've unfollowed people for talking about love and shit, so I know what its like. I guess you get to know who your friends are when something like this happens.
don't worry, i'm sure i'll be back in fine form soon. thanks for standing by, you guys rock!
Monday, May 30, 2011
Best Friend
Unfortunately I always seem to be blogging about something sad, today is no different. My best friend died on Friday night.
Phil Jarrold was the first friend I made when my family moved to Woodbridge, my hometown. He was the most charismatic, intelligent, talented person I knew and we did everything together. We had our first cigarette when we were 12, we had our first drink around the same time. Me, Phil and Lee were inseparable and raised hell at school to the point we were put into different classes. This happened after we locked a teacher in the supply cupboard, I guess we were 12 at the time.
We went through high school together too. One day I was walking to school, late as usual, and I saw Phil at the bottom of the road sitting under a tree smoking a spliff, I sat next to him and asked what he was doing.
"Fuckun Freddy Mercury died last night, I'm taking the fuckun day off man" and that was Phil, he didn't conform, he was so passionate about things. He had the potential to be a professional guitarist and more. Unfortunately his need to get shit faced took over and he soon became dependent on alcohol and benzos.
I don't know how he died, all I know is that I will miss him with every fiber of my body. Out of my group of close friends 5 are dead and all before the age of 35.
I love you Phil and you'll always be alive in my memories and in my heart.
A true legend, rest in peace Brother, god bless.
Phil Jarrold was the first friend I made when my family moved to Woodbridge, my hometown. He was the most charismatic, intelligent, talented person I knew and we did everything together. We had our first cigarette when we were 12, we had our first drink around the same time. Me, Phil and Lee were inseparable and raised hell at school to the point we were put into different classes. This happened after we locked a teacher in the supply cupboard, I guess we were 12 at the time.
We went through high school together too. One day I was walking to school, late as usual, and I saw Phil at the bottom of the road sitting under a tree smoking a spliff, I sat next to him and asked what he was doing.
"Fuckun Freddy Mercury died last night, I'm taking the fuckun day off man" and that was Phil, he didn't conform, he was so passionate about things. He had the potential to be a professional guitarist and more. Unfortunately his need to get shit faced took over and he soon became dependent on alcohol and benzos.
I don't know how he died, all I know is that I will miss him with every fiber of my body. Out of my group of close friends 5 are dead and all before the age of 35.
I love you Phil and you'll always be alive in my memories and in my heart.
A true legend, rest in peace Brother, god bless.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
My Dad
He was sitting in the bed when I walked in, wearing only a white gown. I'd seen him like this a lot over the past few months, only this time was different, he was awake.
The room smelled like it always did, of disinfectant. The usual things were happening, people rushed around with trolleys, checked machines and gave reassuring nods.
My Dad looked like a 3 year old, naive as if he didn't have a clue to where he had been for the last 3 months. He didn't know who I was, but he knew he could trust me. He held my hand as I stood next to the bed, I'd held his hand hundreds of times in the past few weeks but this time he held mine back.
Tears rolled down my face as I reassured him everything was going to be ok, but I don't think he knew anything was wrong.
"Help me get this started"
"Get what started?"
"This car..."
"It's not a car. It's your bed"
"No its not! It's a car. Get it started, I don't want to be here anymore!"
"But Dad, it's a bed, it hasn't got an engine"
"I can feel it vibrating. Have you seen the English man with the French accent? He can get me out of here, talk to him"
"Ok Dad"
The first conversation I had with my Dad after he had come out of his coma is one I will never forget. I hadn't left his bedside in 2 months, only to go and buy more heroin. I would sit in the toilet in the ICCU and inject myself before going and sitting with him for a couple more hours. I was sure he would die and I was overwhelmed with guilt. I hadn't spent enough time with him, I hadn't spoken to him in the months leading up to his accident, and if he had died...... This is all I could think of, perhaps selfish on my front, I dunno.
Seeing my Dad like that is one of the main reasons I went into rehab. I had hurt my family enough and they had done plenty for me. What could I do for them? If my Mother was taken ill? What could I possibly do for someone else being the mess that I was?
My Dad has almost made a full recovery, luckily he doesn't remember anything of the accident or the time he spent in hospital, but I do, I remember it everyday, and it helps put things into perspective sometimes, if i'm getting down about bills, or if something hasn't gone my way, I always remember, things could be a whole lot worse.
The room smelled like it always did, of disinfectant. The usual things were happening, people rushed around with trolleys, checked machines and gave reassuring nods.
My Dad looked like a 3 year old, naive as if he didn't have a clue to where he had been for the last 3 months. He didn't know who I was, but he knew he could trust me. He held my hand as I stood next to the bed, I'd held his hand hundreds of times in the past few weeks but this time he held mine back.
Tears rolled down my face as I reassured him everything was going to be ok, but I don't think he knew anything was wrong.
"Help me get this started"
"Get what started?"
"This car..."
"It's not a car. It's your bed"
"No its not! It's a car. Get it started, I don't want to be here anymore!"
"But Dad, it's a bed, it hasn't got an engine"
"I can feel it vibrating. Have you seen the English man with the French accent? He can get me out of here, talk to him"
"Ok Dad"
The first conversation I had with my Dad after he had come out of his coma is one I will never forget. I hadn't left his bedside in 2 months, only to go and buy more heroin. I would sit in the toilet in the ICCU and inject myself before going and sitting with him for a couple more hours. I was sure he would die and I was overwhelmed with guilt. I hadn't spent enough time with him, I hadn't spoken to him in the months leading up to his accident, and if he had died...... This is all I could think of, perhaps selfish on my front, I dunno.
Seeing my Dad like that is one of the main reasons I went into rehab. I had hurt my family enough and they had done plenty for me. What could I do for them? If my Mother was taken ill? What could I possibly do for someone else being the mess that I was?
My Dad has almost made a full recovery, luckily he doesn't remember anything of the accident or the time he spent in hospital, but I do, I remember it everyday, and it helps put things into perspective sometimes, if i'm getting down about bills, or if something hasn't gone my way, I always remember, things could be a whole lot worse.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
NOT a Comedian!!!
Unoriginal, talentless hack, not funny, your "Jokes" suck......
Just some of the insults I've had fired at me on Twitter.
First of all, I do this for fun, I'm not a comedian and I don't claim to be funny. Talentless? shit, if I was being paid to Tweet and was failing at it miserably, then and only then would I even consider "talent." The truth of the matter is, I don't Tweet for you, I do it for me, please don't get me wrong, the fact that I can make at least a few of you laugh every day is great to know.
I started Twitter probably the same as most people, following celebs, replying to their Tweets on the off chance they would reply. I started using Twitter because I had a lot of spare time on my hands as I choose to give up drinking just after Christmas. I know my humor isn't for everybody, but instead of bitching about it, why not just unfollow? You probably feel a bit special having somebody with more than 14 followers telling you "GO FUCK YOURSELF!"
I know I take Twitter more seriously than some, definitely not as serious as others. I know there will always be some twat who will try and get a rise out of you.
Just know this, I never once said I was funny. I didn't pass any of my GCSE's in high school. I don't promise anything to you in my bio, and I don't believe that I am actually Superman!
So please, if you follow, thats great, I really do appreciate that, but if you DON'T want to follow, don't, just unfollow, there is absolutely no need to point out my grammatical errors or whether or not that particular tweet made you laugh or not!
Anyway, thanks for reading. Peace.
Just some of the insults I've had fired at me on Twitter.
First of all, I do this for fun, I'm not a comedian and I don't claim to be funny. Talentless? shit, if I was being paid to Tweet and was failing at it miserably, then and only then would I even consider "talent." The truth of the matter is, I don't Tweet for you, I do it for me, please don't get me wrong, the fact that I can make at least a few of you laugh every day is great to know.
I started Twitter probably the same as most people, following celebs, replying to their Tweets on the off chance they would reply. I started using Twitter because I had a lot of spare time on my hands as I choose to give up drinking just after Christmas. I know my humor isn't for everybody, but instead of bitching about it, why not just unfollow? You probably feel a bit special having somebody with more than 14 followers telling you "GO FUCK YOURSELF!"
I know I take Twitter more seriously than some, definitely not as serious as others. I know there will always be some twat who will try and get a rise out of you.
Just know this, I never once said I was funny. I didn't pass any of my GCSE's in high school. I don't promise anything to you in my bio, and I don't believe that I am actually Superman!
So please, if you follow, thats great, I really do appreciate that, but if you DON'T want to follow, don't, just unfollow, there is absolutely no need to point out my grammatical errors or whether or not that particular tweet made you laugh or not!
Anyway, thanks for reading. Peace.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Lo
We met,
we spoke,
we laughed,
gradually I learned more,
I was never expecting to fall for a girl i'd never met.
we spoke,
we laughed,
gradually I learned more,
I was never expecting to fall for a girl i'd never met.
Today is a Good Day.
When taking drugs there is no such thing as a good day. There are plenty of bad days, and days where you try to convince yourself they were good, but really they were just hassle free, in other words, those days you had drugs and didn't have to go looking.
I never thought I could be happy. I always had to have material things in my life. I could never sit still, always looking for something else, something more, never content with what I had. The thought of living without drugs in my life was more scary than the thought of living an addict for the rest of my life.
I've got to know myself this last year more than I have in my entire life. I know myself, I now know the reasons behind my urge to escape life day after day. I realize things about myself that I was too scared to find out before and as a result I am content. I stop to smell the roses. I have nothing, but at the same time I have everything I ever wanted. I laugh on a daily basis. I cry. I feel, and I love.
I took a lot of things for granted in my life, but that is in the past. I'm happy to be alive, today is a good day.
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